12. onward

Ahh. Feel pretty good this Tuesday morning. I'm thinking life is a like a construction project. Very difficult, unless you've got the right tools, in which case it's a pretty straight-forward challenge and can even be enjoyable.

Even though I forgot to take my steroids Sunday night in prep for chemo on Monday, it wasn't so bad. They just pumped 'em into me along with the benadryl and erbitux. Made me a little more woozy than last time, but by 5 I was pretty much back to normal. A little later Nancy came over and lead some yoga and that was great. It's such a good way to be physical without overdoing it. I like the gym too, but yoga is gentle and demanding - a winning combo. I also got 'scrips for Ambien and something to calm my acne and an opiate in case the pain really kicks in. The ambien is great. First full night of sleep in who knows when!

The weather today is lovely and my throat is not killing me! Whoo-hooo. The white patch, now patches, in my throat are mucicitis, common side affect of radiation. I've got some numbing spray which I'll use before eating. I am still trying to eat as much as possible, but it is pure, slow, boring work. Everything is now just matter for ingestion. Even though I can smell it doesn't translate to taste at all. The entire challenge is finding consistencies that are bearable. Grainy type stuff is out, lettucie stuff NG, but wilted spinach with goat cheese works, oatmeal is good with milk, soups still work, yogurt's usually delightful bitterness is now an agonizingly sourness, spice is verbotten, eggs can be good or revolting depending upon I know not, etc. Very hit or miss.

I think I'm going to drive to Pittsburgh for Mirm's memorial on Friday with Rich, who's volunteered to stop by on his way from DC. It will be much better than flying and dealing with packaged airplane air and all the other inconveniences. In exchange I just have to deal with Rich. I've got it made. I'll just start moaning or something and he's at my beck and call. Maybe I can lay out a nice bed in the back. He lives to serve. This will earn him his angel stripes. Believe it.

There's a guy who gets radiation right before I do who has pretty much the same problem. Never smoked, or drank, but got tongue/throat cancer. He's pretty pissed at it. I understand but I have a hard time thinking, 'damn all this time I could have boozing and smoking it up!!' Not that I haven't enjoyed myself. Anyway, I feel for this guy. He's in his 5th week of radiation and is clearly in pain. When I first met him we'd exchange pleasantries or at least info. But now he quietly nods, his face in a grimace. Last week he said he was having a feeding tube installed because he 'just can't get anything down.' I think the tube's in now. But he hasn't mentioned it. I am doing my best to be positive with him, and with me. But it's like a ghost of things to come. This is serious business.

One thing that helps me is to recognize that this is healing pain. It's different from the mysterious destructive pain that I've suffered for all these months. There the pain was magnified by the question of what it was and where it was going. Now, at least, I know the pain is removing the tumor and hopefully, reducing the danger. And, it has an end. The doc told me that it's bad until somewhere around the end of the 5th week and then the body sort of recognizes the end is near and the pain lets up a bit. It continues, but at some kind of plateau. Not so bad. That's less than 3 weeks from now. Not even a month!! And it means May will be the sweet month of healing. Nice!!

On those good notes, I big you adieu. Enjoy your days, all!

PS Oh one more thing: we got a bill yesterday for $9,000 for one night in the hospital after I got my feeding tube. First of all: $9k for one night!!! Ridiculous. 2nd of all, our doc assured us that it was necessary my staying that night and that insurance would cover it. Otherwise I'd never have stayed. But the insurer disagrees. Now we have to go through lots of hoops to, hopefully, get it fixed with our insurer. How do poor folks do it??