It seems like my sleep pattern has been kinda screwed up. I wake up every morning around 4 or so. Sometimes I have a cup of tea and go back to sleep. Other times, like now, that doesn't work so well and I'm left sitting. It's not that I'm in any pain, or particularly anxious about stuff. But I guess I've got a little thinking going on.
I wonder what life will be like on the other end of this. Right now I'm identifying myself as pre-treatment, since I haven't yet felt any really intense effects. The worst of it so far was that it took a couple days longer than I expected to settle in to the feeding tube. And I'm starting to get a little bit of acne. But the cancer itself is hiding. It used to hurt much more and interfere with my daily life. Now the most I feel is a little catch in my throat when I eat. Oh, and it does take me twice as long to finish a meal because my tongue movement is impaired. But that's it. Nothing I can't live with.
A nurse told me a couple of weeks ago that I'm going to hate her and everyone else in the hospital before long because of the pain I'll soon be going through. That's a new experience for me - knowing beforehand that something is going to hurt a lot. I imagine it's sort of like a mother-to-be knowing that what's to come is not going to be easy. On the other hand, there will be a pretty nice payoff afterward. Same here.
I'm not thinking about the pain that much. My mind wanders more towards thoughts of how I will be changed after this journey -- not physically, but mentally, spiritually. I look at this whole experience as a lesson, or a test, and I wonder what I'm going to learn. I hope I prove to be the person I want to be: brave, compassionate, open, and purposeful. There are times when I've had all those qualities. But I've also been a coward, insensitive, self-centered, and rudderless. My goal, as much as I can control it, is to vanquish the latter traits in favor of the former. To burn them away with the tumor. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll come out the other end of this the same as I went in. That would be a waste. I don't just want to be cured of my cancer. I want to be cured of a bigger malaise, made better than before. Self-doubt, fear; sometimes I think that's what caused the cancer in the first place. I know it will take more than getting through this treatment to overcome that dis-ease. I have to change in some deep way. And that scares me the most.
Good night...uh, morning!
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I can already catch a glimpse of the new, improved David...and he's an amazing writer. Reading the blog has been almost as good as having a beer with you. Keep up your strength, your honesty, and most of all your sense of humor. Now get some sleep!
ReplyDeleteProve to whom? In the desert I already thought you were the coolest. I would not consider it waste to be the same as you are.
ReplyDeleteHey Dave -
ReplyDeleteHang in there and don't fret too much about this experience as a test.
It's a teacher.
You'll come out the other end more concerned with things that matter, less with those that don't.
Trust me!
Much love,
S
i trust you! let the teaching begin.
ReplyDeletePart of what I hear you saying Dave is that you're willing to let go of whatever it takes to get to a new place. Made me think of a small drawing and text that Leonard Cohen published in Tricycle Press. It was a pen and ink self portrait with the words -
ReplyDelete- There was one thing that made me really happy. Then I lost it - and now everything makes me happy.
I like that!
ReplyDelete