22. hell, and heaven

I am experiencing the strangest feeling right now. It's been going on since this afternoon.

The day began ominously. When I woke up my neck was on fire. This was unusual, almost all my pain thus far has been inside my mouth. But for the last few days the skin of my neck has been getting redder and redder, a result of the radiation treatment and, probably, chemo. The inflammation reaches down from my chin to my clavicle, following the course of the beam around the circumference of my neck. I had been applying moisturizer since I noticed the redness and thought it was going away. The only discomfort was a little itchiness.

We were already running behind schedule, so I applied more cream -- very gently now -- tubed down an instant breakfast and my oxy-condone and headed out for treatment. It wasn't until Betsy and I arrived at the hospital that it occurred to me I might have a problem. The mask that anchors my head in place pulls hard against my cheeks, more or less exactly where the burn starts. I asked Dr. Zablow if he had some kind of topical anesthetic. He did, and it worked perfectly. Betsy and I zipped home so I wouldn't miss acupuncture.

While Betsy headed off for work I had another instant breakfast and some other liquids and herbs, applied a little more cream and drove to my appointment. I explained to Chris, my acupuncturist, that my neck was burning and he adjusted his needles accordingly. 45 minutes later I was headed home. But again, I couldn't dawdle: I had a massage in an hour.

Normally I wouldn't have scheduled both acupuncture and a massage on the same day, but Chris wanted to see me twice this week and Tuesday was the only day that worked for the first session. I couldn't reschedule my massage because Sue the masseuse was booked up. I'd just have to tough it out.

I downed another instant breakfast, some more oxy-codone, and suddenly, had a brainstorm. A few weeks ago, Chris had given me a big bottle of aloe to drink for my throat. I'd been half-heartedly adding it to my beverages, grossed out by the slimy chunks floating in it. But it was perfect for my neck. I gooped it on -- instant relief. It was cool and soothing. For the next 20 minutes I kept it up. Then I grabbed the aloe bottle and headed for Sue's.

When she started the massage I was sure I'd made a mistake. My neck felt uncomfortable, my stomach hurt, I was salivating like crazy. It took five minutes to get over that. The high point was the foot massage. As Sue worked the points that correspond to my neck I could feel the muscles relax and the burning stop. Then she carefully applied the aloe. When the massage was over I was so blissed out I didn't move for 15 minutes.

Back home, I tubed some carrot juice, drank vitamin water, and rubbed in more aloe. At 4 I did some work, joining in a staff meeting by phone. Then I took my third oxy, had another instant breakfast and, since it was 5 and the sun was low enough, took the dog and a New Yorker and sank into a recliner in the back yard. This is when it happened, or rather, I noticed what had already happened.

I felt incredible, and I had been feeling that way for at least a half hour. My mouth didn't hurt, in fact, nothing hurt. A warm glow rose from my stomach, enveloping me in a pure sensation of pleasure. I gooped more aloe on my neck and it burned like hell. But it didn't bother me. The pain felt good. I kept rubbing it into my neck and soon the pain stopped. I felt even better: indescribably marvelous. Peaceful. I reclined, drinking my vitamin water, rubbing in the aloe, basking in my self-generated glow. I didn't try to read. Betsy came home, our neighbor Rachel came over, Esther came home. Everyone gathered in the back yard. It had been hot earlier in the day, but now the temperature was a perfect 70 something. A breeze wafted through. We talked. Rachel's kids came over. Baci and the kids ran around the yard. The glow continued. Rachel and the kids went home. Betsy left for a belated birthday dinner courtesy of Kim, another neighbor. Esther went for a bike ride. I took the dog and went inside. I had another instant breakfast. Still glowing. And that's where I began this story.

What happened? Was it the drugs, acupuncture, aloe, the massage, the contrasting relief that the cream provided for my burning neck, or some perfect combination of all the above? Whatever it was, it was magnificent.

It's 9 now. I'm kind of tired, due for my next oxy and soon, more aloe. I think the magic is finally wearing off, but I still feel pretty good. What a day!

4 to go.