20. me & my #%&*## mouth

Hubris. It'll get you every time. Why did I brag about how well I felt yesterday? Of course, I did try to keep from offending the gods by labeling the post "slight" reprieve. So I wasn't really getting too high and mighty. Whatever. I'm suffering now.

It seems like overnight someone turned on the saliva spigot. I'm spitting every 30 seconds or less. Luckily, I guess, it's not the big ropey saliva, more along the lines of the clear stuff I'm used to. But it won't stop and I can't swallow it, so I gotta spit. Also my throat is hurting and swollen, so it feels like I've got to gag a lot of the time. And my mouth still aches.

For some strange reason, as of early this afternoon I still didn't think I needed to take my pain killer, but by 3:30 I saw the light. I took half the usual dose and then again 4 hours later. Then at 11:30pm I took the full 10 mg dosage. I'm awaiting its effect as I write this. Once I feel that I'm taking an ambien and trying to get some sleep. All day I was unable to nap because my spit would start welling up and wake me. I'm hoping with the pain killers and ambien and reclining I'll be able to control the flow a little bit. At least for a couple of hours of rest.

My grumpiness is hard to control right now. I keep reminding myself that this is what separates the boys from the men. Anyone can be pleasant when they're feeling well. I'm doing my best to be polite and think positive, but wow it's tough. As I listen to the national news and the discussions of waterboarding and torture I keep adding radiation therapy to the list in my head. If I knew something I would have talked by now. Even if I didn't. Good thing no one's asking.

Betsy and I watched a Korean film last night called "Old Boy." It was very good. The basic story is about a guy who gets imprisoned in a private jail for 20 years without knowing why. He's periodically gassed, hypnotized and manipulated. When he's about to break he looks at a picture on his wall of a smiling guy and says to himself "laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone." From then on, whenever he feels like crying he smiles and laughs. It was pretty creepy. Then I started doing it. Betsy freaked out. I was doing it by myself this afternoon, which would have looked completely insane if anyone had happened to be watching. It does sort of help.

Another inspiration: Betsy found a blog of a guy who had stage 4 tongue cancer. His tumor was the size of a golf ball!! He had mouth surgery and then radiation treatment! And it worked. He was cured. Incredible. I can't even imagine what that must of been like, but it makes my petty problems seem a bit more manageable.

The weather tomorrow is supposed to be super nice, so my plan is to take that ambien in a couple of minutes, let it gently lull me to sleep, wake up as little as possible during the night, feel much better tomorrow and enjoy the day. I have learned my lesson about stopping the drugs too soon. In fact, that's the lesson for today. Kids, just say "yes."