29. prescription: tincture of time

At this point I'm playing a waiting game. I am improving VERY SLOWLY. Baby steps.

I still eat through a tube. My throat hurts. I choke. My tongue is swollen and burns, yet simultaneously feels numb.

But today I ate some cream of broccoli soup, by mouth! Although I couldn't taste it the consistency was acceptable for most of the bowl. I can take my pain meds orally again. I have more energy for longer stretches. I was able to spend time mending a bench in the back yard. My head feels clearer. When I accepted that I am not improving overnight I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I have learned the lesson that everyone who completes similar treatments learns: patience.

I have been reading a novel called "Jeff in Venice, Death in Varanasi" by Geoff Dyer. In the Varanasi section the narrator observes that the residents of this part of India accept their lot in life without question. They don't expect things to change for the better, whether it's their health, their wealth, or their social status, because there is no way for that to happen. He contrasts this with those of us in "civilized countries" who suffer our pain with the knowledge that it's temporary. I have found, not surprisingly, that when I fear that a side effect might not go away I start panicking and experience it more acutely. When I am reassured that my discomort is temporary I relax and am better able to accept it. What must it be like for the folks in Varanasi? Are they more enlightened in their unconditional acceptance of suffering? Are they living in the moment? What about those victims of the Big C who cannot be cured but are able to manage their disease: are they like the Varansi in that they must accept what they cannot beat?

It will be another 5 or 6 weeks until the chemo and radiation have completely left my system. That's how long I have to wait until I can get my PET scan to determine if the cancer has been blown out of my body. I am optimistic, but I'm not going to assume anything. In the meantime my mantra is renewal. Day by day.