28. burn out

What they didn't tell me, till I found out the hard way, is that the week or so after treatment ends is the worst.

Don't get me wrong. It's not all bad news. My face is much better. The skin is still a bit red and itchy, but if I didn't know better and you told me what it looked like a week ago I wouldn't believe you. My tongue is less swollen and the sores on it much reduced. However, my throat is rawer. Swallowing is harder than it's ever been. I feel like gagging much of the time. I'm frequently spitting and coughing, which further aggravates my throat. I'm sick of the feeding tube. I'm tired. I'm cold. I can't sleep. I'm literally burned out.

Over the weekend I felt worse and worse. In search of consolation, I emailed a fellow sufferer who told me it took him TWO weeks to start recovering when his radiation ended. Even now, months later, he still has trouble eating and remains on pain meds. This wasn't how it was supposed to be.

Betsy and I visited Dr. Zablow yesterday, Monday. He said I'm doing well and am on the right track. Everyone recovers at their own speed, but based on how quickly my skin is improving, he still believes mine will be relatively brief. He pointed out that although we throat cancer sufferers all go through similar treatments, no two are exactly the same. My tumor was caught early, so it was pretty small and the radiation beam was able to be adjusted pretty finely. As a result it didn't affect as much of the outlying areas as it might have. "Just have faith," he added. "Those other folks didn't have me and they didn't have Colleen." True.

Today, at last, the pain seems to have leveled off. It may even be receeding, although it is hard to tell. I was able to sleep for longer periods (2-3 hours) last night. I feel like I have more energy. I walked on the treadmill this morning for 10 minutes! I took the dog to the park. And then I had a nap.

My focus now is just to get through each day as best as possible and let time do its work. Whatever I'm going through, it could be worse. Tomorrow will be a better day.